In the spirit of the holiday season with shopping, parties, stress, lots of stress, I thought a little humor and some laughs might be just the right thing. So, back for another year is my “Christmas Comedy Corner”. Here are a few Christmas jokes and cartoons I hope will bring a smile and a chuckle your way. Enjoy the season, its true meaning and all the wonderful memories that go with this time of year.

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’ The New Yorker fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’, Saint Peter said. The Texan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’. The southerner started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a confused look and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’ The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’

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When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast  and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out somewhere.

Then he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. But he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom but the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Then the doorbell rang, and a pissed off Santa yanked open the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.. Where would you like me to stick it?

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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In a small town in the deep south there was a nativity scene done with great skill and talent.  A guy from New York was bothered by one thing, the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to understand why they were done up like that the New Yorker stopped at a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town. He asks the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!”

The New Yorker assured her he did, but didn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.  She took out her Bible, scanning through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

She shoved the page in the guy’s face and says in her thick southern drawl, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.”

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Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

The sexy woman takes off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

Not giving up she strips off the negligee, revealing her perky boobs and a nicely trimmed bush. She says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”

Santa looks, smiles and says “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my cock this way!!!”

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Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to one and all!

Art Koch, National Features & DVD Editor, NightMoves Magazine and AAN